What is a boundary?

According to the dictionary, a boundary is something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent. For example – those two trees mark the boundary of our property, or the mountain range that forms the country’s northern boundary.

But that’s not the type of boundary we are exploring here. We’re talking about personal boundaries. So, what are they?

They are a form of self-care that help us to function better in our day-to-day situations and in our relationships. They are a great way to take better care of yourself, your energy and resources so that you can avoid the pitfalls of over-committing, saying ‘yes’ to everything and then facing possible burnout.

How do you stand with this concept?

We often talk about having or needing boundaries and notice when they don’t seem to work for us. We can also comment on other peoples’ lack of boundaries almost as a reason for their poor performance or health issues.

The truth is that it can be really difficult to establish appropriate boundaries and uphold them because our circumstances can change quickly and we can feel like we are in ever-shifting sand.

Communication is sometimes at the bottom of issues, especially in relationships be they personal or professional ones but there can be a much more fundamental issue at play which makes the ineffective communication just a symptom of a deeper problem.

What is this problem?

Unhealthy boundaries cause all kinds of trouble creating an imbalance in which we start to flounder physically and emotional. When the balance isn’t right, it can create a spiral effect and leave us struggling and wondering how on earth things got to this stage.

Let me introduce Sarah.

Sarah worked hard, had a good deal to do with friends and family and enjoyed many hobbies. She enjoyed her job and had a good relationship with her partner. When Sarah came to me for help, she felt unfulfilled in her life but couldn’t but her finger on why.

Through discussion and gentle questioning Sarah revealed information which started to make sense of her situation. She spent a lot of time helping others and giving her time to various causes but instead of feeling valued, useful and appreciated, Sarah had begun to feel tired and resentful that her giving seemed to be a one-way street.
We talked about boundaries.

Sarah felt that she had those in her life, things she wasn’t prepared to put up with and things she felt strongly about. These turned out to be more of a set of values than actual boundaries and this was one of the reasons Sarah was feeling annoyed about how her life was turning out. Everyday events had started to wear away at her long-held beliefs and values causing an irritation which was now too big to ignore.

What are the benefits of boundaries?

Healthy boundaries established and regularly enforced creates many benefits, such as:

How do you establish and uphold boundaries?

1. Become more assertive. This can be tricky especially if you are not used to saying what you mean and meaning what you say. There are several ways to connect with your values to help you decide what are your key points that you will focus on to practice your assertiveness. Another good tip, is to practice talking to yourself in the mirror so that you can see what your face does and hear your own voice. This will boost your confidence in speaking up when you need to.
2. Say No. This can be an uncomfortable one to get your head around, again practice will help. Get used to forming the word and also practice a stock sentence or two that would cover some situations when saying no can be difficult. For instance, you could say ‘Thank you for your invitation, but on this occasion I’m afraid I must decline.’ Or maybe, ‘That’s a lovely idea, but I won’t be joining you this time, please let me know about the next event.’
3. Caretake your time and space. This is your responsibility. That may sound a little harsh but when you think about it, as an autonomous adult, you do have some choices and only you know how you feel. Taking time outside for yourself, ensuring some alone/down time can be crucial for our physical and mental health. My top tip for this is to use your diary or scheduling tool and mark out the time to do what you need to and also your self-care appointments, even if that is a cup of tea by yourself with a book for half an hour.
4. Get support. We all need a little help now and again. Sometimes we don’t know where to start and so my tip here is to just focus on one thing. It may be that you don’t want to attend something or that you want to change some arrangements so practice what you will say until it feels more natural and then take a few deep breaths and do it. Focus on the relief that will happen when you have done it and it no longer takes up space in your mind.