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Children and Change

Susan Grainger Therapy Posted on by
Understanding how we, as humans, cope with events through life and how children can handle things differently. The reasoning behind this difference.

How we can help children and young people with life’s changes.

When to ask for help.

What’s different for kids?

  • Lack of understanding of their feelings, emotional vocabulary, verbal expression, non-verbal expression. Can lead to behaviour problems.
  • Not as much control over situations as adults.
  • Not much in the way of past experiences to draw on.
  • Much more likely to blame themselves for things that change.
  • Lack of understanding about appropriate responsibility.
  • Feeling overwhelmed by situations through not having enough or having too much information.

Introducing the ‘Change Curve’ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. 1960’s also known as the Five Stages of Grief.

Although this is over 50 years old now, it is still relevant and used widely in work around grief, loss and change situations and the model is relevant to all age groups.

Stage one is denial.

Feelings may include confusion, shock, numbness, overwhelm and fear.

Behaviour may show as your child trying to distract themselves by immersing themselves in an activity i.e. PlayStation, Facebook, etc, or acting like nothing has happened.

Language – “I don’t care!”

Stage two is anger.

As the situation becomes more real, kind of ‘hitting home’ it becomes harder to carry on as though nothing is happening. Behaviour may show as visible anger or aggression.

Feelings could include frustration, irritation, fury and anxiety.

Language – “It’s not fair!”

Stage three is bargaining.

At this stage, the reality is still a massive struggle for your child, and they will just want things to go back to normal. They may seek advice from others or begin to tell some of the story.

Feelings may be around loss of control, confusion, helpless and hope.

Language can centre around a bargaining aspect and for younger children they may actually think that if they behave in a different way, or think happy thoughts, the situation will reverse itself.

Stage four is depression.

Seeing your child overwhelmed with sadness is a hard thing for parents to deal with.

Feelings could be a combination of sadness, irritability, fear and anger.

Behaviour may include trouble sleeping, losing interest, eating more or less than normal and difficulty concentrating. Self-harming could be a possibility too.

Language will compliment the mood. For example, “I don’t want to go to football practice” and “I can’t stop crying”

Stage Five is acceptance.

Getting their heads around what is happening, and the changes is in this stage, but acceptance is not necessarily happiness.

Behaviour is calmer, more rational. They still may not understand the whole thing but can begin to accept the results of the change. Mood swings can still occur.

Language becomes less intense, for example, “I’m ok” and “I miss Grandad but I’m glad he’s not in pain anymore.”

Here starts more exploration, a learning opportunity and a sense of moving forward.

Helping your child through life’s ups and down’s is not for the faint hearted! It can be demanding both physically and mentally, draining, frustrating, confusing and worrying. But it can also be tremendously rewarding and, when handled correctly, bring you and your child closer together.

DO keep the lines of communication open – talking, texting, messaging, whatever.

DO respect each other’s quiet times. This can be negotiated and changed as necessary.

DO listen. Making time regularly and unconditionally for your child to talk or just be with you helps to build strong bonds and improves resilience.

DO NOT ignore or dismiss your child’s feelings or behaviours. These are your clues to what is going on for them and it is vital that you pay attention.

For more information, please visit Children and Young People. Here you will be able to download free resources to use with your child.

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