Listening is not only a very important part of my job as therapist, but also an important skill in life generally. I have learned how to listen well, in a way that is helpful to the therapeutic process and continue to perfect this skill both in and out of the therapy room.

I often journal about this and ask myself what else I can do to assist the person sitting in my therapy room to feel heard, truly heard and understood.

Building rapport, drawing the trust around the two of us to ensure the best possible connection in which a deep empathy can exists to help with the exchanges that occur that can often be difficult and emotional.

For me, establishing the rapport and creating the trusting, healing and encouraging environment where things change begins with being a good listener.

Being a good listener is about what you do less of, not more of.

I’m all ears!

Truly great listeners don’t necessarily do more of anything than the rest of us. Instead, they’re exceptionally good at eliminating unhelpful tendencies and habits that get in the way of genuine listening and connection.

Listening well can also help with assisting my clients to move forward with their goals and to add clarity and perspective on issues that bother them. It can give insight not only into situations but also into understanding their own thought and behaviour patterns. Once this information is out in the open it can be used to formulate a strategy going forward.

If you want to be a better listener, check out my top tips.

A conversation is not a competition.

Treating conversations like competitions, you’re bound to lose no matter what.

Many people struggle to be good listeners. This may be for many reasons, one of which, maybe that they find it difficult to keep their emotions in check when talking about issues, current affairs or how they feel generally. In these circumstances, conversations can feel competitive, and then, unconsciously, the goal of winning and feeling justified to feel better about themselves becomes the primary incentive.

This impairs your ability to be a good listener.

For better conversations, approach with a curious nature and leave your own agenda at the door.

Before going into any conversation where you’d like to be a good listener, ask yourself this simple question:

Is this conversation about being helpful and supportive or making myself feel good?

By briefly checking in with yourself before a conversation, you become more self-aware and therefore more ‘emotionally available’ to the other person.

Instead of viewing conversations as competitions to be won, you’ll start to view them as acts of service that aren’t about you at all. And when you start approaching conversations this way, your ability to listen well will increase, and you may even enjoy this way of conversing!

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ― Stephen R. Covey

Focus on the Person, not the Problem

When someone has a problem doesn’t mean they are a problem. An important part of listening to ascertain the actual issues, the facts, the things that are going on and separate them from the person.

We all like to think we are good problem solvers, after all, it’s what we do all day. We identify problems and then use our minds to come up with creative solutions to them. This can lead to trouble though because when people want to talk about their problems, they don’t necessarily want a solution, not at that moment anyway. They just want to feel heard and understood.

The best conversations are about connection, not information.

When we’re struggling with a problem, it’s easy to over-identify with that problem and start to feel like a problem ourselves. Good listeners help the other person to see that just because they have a problem doesn’t mean they are a problem.

And the way they do that is by resisting the urge to solve-problems or give advice at all and simply listen and offer support.

This ‘works’ because it helps the other person feel heard and to understand that they are more than just their problem.

To be a better listener, focus on the person, not the problem.

Focus your attention on the person sitting next to you—how they feel and what the world must look like through their eyes right now. When you do, you subtly communicate that, whatever they’re going through, they’re okay.

By resisting the urge to give advice and solve problems, you give the other person a far more valuable gift—the gift of validation. You help them to see that they are more than the sum of their problems—much more.

All you have to do is keep your mouth shut 🙂

“We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.” ― Zeno